Let's talk about sex, dating and confidence

May 31, 2022

One of the turning points in my life was realising that rejection wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

You may see someone today who struggles to shut up, is happy to talk and confident. And for the most part you'd be right, but it hasn't always been this way.

My "youth" and attempts at courting (which immediately indicates how successful they were) were a haze of inaction, alcohol, nerves and rejection.

And, let's be real here, I didn't swing (pun intended) from this into a cross between Prince Harry and a serial lothario. I just became less useless enough to be able to talk to and date women.

It'd be easy to congratulate tinder for my "transformation" from primitive ape to just-about-able-to-talk-to-women ape. And whilst tinder did take a fair hammering on numerous occasions there was also a massive, fundamental change in both my approach and my "skills" that changed my fortunes with women.

The holy trifecta of being unable to attract women - feeling intimidated, avoiding eye contact and having a fixed mindset meant that I blundered drunkenly and unconfidently through my teens and staggered into my twenties.

The most stable part was my belief that I was no good at talking. And if only I had been born more confident / better looking / bigger arms / whatever my insecurity at that moment was, then life would be different.

But life is what you make of it. And there was at least some proof that I wasn't the female repelling magnet I told myself I was, I just chose to ignore it. (Sounds like fat loss clients saying they aren't making progress when they've lost a pound right...)

And once I pinched my nose and introduced myself, smiling, polite, friendly and not apocalyptically drunk, with time and practice, I found everything got so much easier.

Success breeds success and I transitioned from being someone of low confidence to at least acting like someone with confidence.

I can't ever say that it was easy ALL the time or that it felt natural, but I got good enough that no one could tell. Rejection became a footnote that I stepped over, rather than the spear to the heart it had been for so many years.

And if you are struggling with something, this is the most realistic end goal. STOP telling yourself you want to have complete control over food and exercise if you struggle with this currently. Getting it done and working through the struggle is your nirvana.

I tell you this not to show off, there are no medals for moving from ineptitude to mediocrity, but to show you that change is possible. That our weakest link can be strengthened to a position where real, evident change is possible.

That many, many of the things in your mind that don't feel possible actually are.

And, by the way, this process never ends. I had a near argument with our mentor recently because I simply didn't believe there was an alternative, but, you guessed it, there was.

It is only by being challenged from the outside, or getting so sick of being so drunk you've forgotten your own name as well as the girl you are talking to (just me?!) that you are then willing to try a new way. And, I can assure you, one of these is much faster than the other. Having outside guidance can save you literally years of wheel spinning.

I see this so often in my job as a coach. People telling themselves that if something goes wrong in their day they need or deserve high calorie food, that if someone wrongs them they have to use food for comfort instead of letting it go, that once we get locked on the idea of eating X, Y, Z that it can't be outlasted. On and on and on.

Thoughts like this are, in my experience, the reason most people don't look and feel the way they want to. The reason they don't have the quality of life, life expectancy or control of their lives as they imagined.

And it can all be changed. Everyone has the power within them to change, as I did, but so often people need an outside pair of eyes to challenge the status quo within.

P.S. If you would like any help from someone to guide you to being fitter, healthier and happier then drop me a message and I'll be happy to help.